[the following are excerpts from my journal]
Tuesday
01/29/13
11:00PM
Wednesday
01/30/13
3:38PM
I've been thinking about who I want to be. After the mission. What I expect myself to be. I want to let the mission change me. I don't want to come back the same person I am now. I see these return missionaries. They had great missions. But now they're dead towards their experiences. They've weakened. I don't want to come back like that. Otherwise my mission would have been a waste. Sure, we are to go to convert others but we also go to convert ourselves.
Tuesday
01/29/13
11:00PM
This morning I woke up early from an emotional dream. Half the country had seceded from the union. I was at some military base. Doing what? Not too sure. I went outside and eyed the new recruits. Some wore uniforms and some wore "civis". I saw D. He was wearing his brown jacket. I was stressed. D came up to me and I started bawling. He tried comforting me--even came down to my level and pulled me on his knee like a little kid and held me. For some reason people from our ward were there--Lindsay and Meesha. They kept telling me things were going to be okay. I shooed them away in anger. I was pissed at D for [reenlisting]. He told me "I have to be with my brothers". I cried as he left. Then a voice said "He's not leaving you. You're leaving him" and I woke up. I immediately made the connection to my mission. Every now and then (especially lately) I get depressed about the thought of not seeing him for a year and a half. Or more. He'll be graduated and whatever by the time I get back...He is my best friend--my big brother. I know I've let myself get too attached. I regret it and I don't. I regret allowing my emotions to play out. I don't regret our friendship.
Wednesday
01/30/13
3:38PM
I've been thinking about who I want to be. After the mission. What I expect myself to be. I want to let the mission change me. I don't want to come back the same person I am now. I see these return missionaries. They had great missions. But now they're dead towards their experiences. They've weakened. I don't want to come back like that. Otherwise my mission would have been a waste. Sure, we are to go to convert others but we also go to convert ourselves.
Who I Want To Be
Humble...More organized...More willing to take on responsibility
More dedicated to my studies...True to my real self...More involved in church
Less hateful and way more open towards others...More able to stick to a budget
More disciplined with my time...Considerate...Hold more importance towards exercise
A leader
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