When you go on a mission you leave behind so much--family, friends, hobbies, possessions, etc. I always thought that the hardest thing for me to leave would be my computer and Facebook account. I might as well be surgically connected to my computer and I might as well have my own satellite too since I always have to have internet access, am always texting on my phone, and am always on a multitude of websites. Three months ago, I just thought that would be my hardest trial but I expected to get over it once I was out in the mission field. Now, I still love the internet and all the things that make my life fun, but I could totally drop it all right now. Sure, I'd miss it but I'm not emotionally attached to it all. I've discovered what I truly am attached to, emotionally. Or, rather, who I am attached to.
See, for me, I have never cared much about relationships. They have always been things flaunted about--able to be lit as quickly as a match and blown out as quickly as a candle. I'm not talking about romantic relationships either. Any relationship--family or friend. My family has felt my distance and they have seen me attempt to renew our relationship recently. I grew up in foster care and with that came the distance and the reluctance to have any care in the world for anybody. There have been many people who have called me "friend" and who have demanded of me my time and my support--which I will give but very few people have I cared about so much as to return friendship. Over the last two years people have come into my life who I have let in and who I have allowed myself to create relationships with. Thus, recently I have realized what means more to me than my computer and other material possessions.
My family and I still have a relationship to renew. I always say that my family and I don't have a relationship. Well, we have one that is struggling, in my opinion. One that crumbles too quickly and that is very hard to maintain. I feel confident that I will be able to leave them on my mission easily enough. I don't expect it to be much harder than it was when I left for college. A bit of me wishes it would be harder--that our relationship was that much better. Sure, I'll get homesick. I do every now and then, but I don't expect it to be unbearable.
The relationship that I expect to be hardest to leave will be my friendship with my best friend D. He is like a big brother to me. At first, he was my home teacher. He was committed to making sure that I got active in the church and that I made it to church every Sunday. That was Summer 2011. In Fall 2011 we went to Heber Valley Camp for a church outing together and our friendship hit it off soon after that when we had our first real hang out at the Haunted Forest. Winter 2011/2012 I went to his brother's wedding reception with him in Idaho. And we continued to spend more time together after that. For months, we look forward to our biggest event as friends yet--Summer 2012. We went to California together. We shared so many personal experiences together and we really bonded. He got me into the habit of reading my scriptures and taught me a lot about missionary work. He even suggested that I think about going on a mission a whole heck of a lot sooner than I had intended. I told him sure but that I'd have to talk that over with my parents. Stall tactic. I hardly ever talk to my parents. He called up my dad himself to ask for his support of me going on my mission. That didn't pan out as well as he had planned for it to go but that meant a lot to me two months later when he finally told me he had done that.
Little by little, I was feeling the pressure to go on my mission--not solely from D but my own inner self. My family, although LDS, had zero to do with the decision--It was something I had to make on my own. No one asked me if I got my papers in or looked them over to make sure I was doing everything like I should be doing. I just texted updates like "Sent my papers in" and "you should be getting the call sometime over the next two weeks". I don't think it was until my parents got the envelope that they started to show their excitement and support for me with the mission. Especially when I made them wait a week to open it so that I (and my siblings) could be there all together to open it. And D. Ha, my parents weren't in favor of having anyone but family there at the opening. I fought that ideal cuz I wanted D--the best influence in my college student life--to be there. I backed away and just prayed for my dad to soften his heart. He would mention D--probably testing to see if I would jump out and say I wanted things to be done my way. Because I always do things my way. I think I surprised him by not reacting. He came to and decided that D could come. D and I were overjoyed!
So, yes, D was there at the opening of my mission call and he has been there for me in every trial that I have had over the last 2 years of our friendship. We even celebrated our last chance to have a vacation together before my mission by going to Zion National Park before Christmas. We spend so much time together--playing games, going to church events, doing activities, etc. Yesterday we spent the whole day together. Mostly in Salt Lake City working on a project and then at my parents' house--walking the dog and just chilling. Just us--we had seen my parents just briefly as we were coming as they were going. This week we don't have much planned other than to go get our pictures taken professionally so that we can give them to his family and my family as a "goodbye, I'm going on a mission" type thing. Totally his idea.
Today, D texted me about how we should go to California again when I get back from my mission. We've always discussed that but in my mind I see our friendship (as close as it is now) coming to a screeching halt. I mean, by the time I get back he will have graduated and begun his career--might even be married or whatever life will bring him. Me--I'll be going back to school. We'll be living separate lives.
The following is the text message conversation we just had today:
D: when u get back. From ur mission we r going out to cali again. Me and u
Me: yeah, that'd be tight :)" *totally thinking pessimistically "yeah, like that'll really happen" in my mindset*
D: Ok lets plan for that! No backing out
Me: Ha--what if ur married and whatnot?
D: We will go no matter what! I promise!!
Me: ya? okay
D: So get ready to party!!!
Me: ha--thats so far off away cut *he and I call each other "cut". It's what he and his siblings call each other*
D: No its gonna be here in a jiffy!
Me: u think? seems another world away to me
D: Ive known u for 2+ yrs. How fast has that time gone???
Me: almost 22 months--ya its gone by so quickly!
D: So get ready to party!!!
Me: :) okay
Anyone who knows me knows I hate a broken promise. Or an impossible idea.
Having D for a friend means the world to me and leaving him while I am on mission will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my young adult life--and I've done some hard things especially within the last year.
But it will be worth it. I have faith in that. It will be painful--that much is obvious. But I am willing to do it. For the faith.
See, for me, I have never cared much about relationships. They have always been things flaunted about--able to be lit as quickly as a match and blown out as quickly as a candle. I'm not talking about romantic relationships either. Any relationship--family or friend. My family has felt my distance and they have seen me attempt to renew our relationship recently. I grew up in foster care and with that came the distance and the reluctance to have any care in the world for anybody. There have been many people who have called me "friend" and who have demanded of me my time and my support--which I will give but very few people have I cared about so much as to return friendship. Over the last two years people have come into my life who I have let in and who I have allowed myself to create relationships with. Thus, recently I have realized what means more to me than my computer and other material possessions.
My family and I still have a relationship to renew. I always say that my family and I don't have a relationship. Well, we have one that is struggling, in my opinion. One that crumbles too quickly and that is very hard to maintain. I feel confident that I will be able to leave them on my mission easily enough. I don't expect it to be much harder than it was when I left for college. A bit of me wishes it would be harder--that our relationship was that much better. Sure, I'll get homesick. I do every now and then, but I don't expect it to be unbearable.
The relationship that I expect to be hardest to leave will be my friendship with my best friend D. He is like a big brother to me. At first, he was my home teacher. He was committed to making sure that I got active in the church and that I made it to church every Sunday. That was Summer 2011. In Fall 2011 we went to Heber Valley Camp for a church outing together and our friendship hit it off soon after that when we had our first real hang out at the Haunted Forest. Winter 2011/2012 I went to his brother's wedding reception with him in Idaho. And we continued to spend more time together after that. For months, we look forward to our biggest event as friends yet--Summer 2012. We went to California together. We shared so many personal experiences together and we really bonded. He got me into the habit of reading my scriptures and taught me a lot about missionary work. He even suggested that I think about going on a mission a whole heck of a lot sooner than I had intended. I told him sure but that I'd have to talk that over with my parents. Stall tactic. I hardly ever talk to my parents. He called up my dad himself to ask for his support of me going on my mission. That didn't pan out as well as he had planned for it to go but that meant a lot to me two months later when he finally told me he had done that.
Little by little, I was feeling the pressure to go on my mission--not solely from D but my own inner self. My family, although LDS, had zero to do with the decision--It was something I had to make on my own. No one asked me if I got my papers in or looked them over to make sure I was doing everything like I should be doing. I just texted updates like "Sent my papers in" and "you should be getting the call sometime over the next two weeks". I don't think it was until my parents got the envelope that they started to show their excitement and support for me with the mission. Especially when I made them wait a week to open it so that I (and my siblings) could be there all together to open it. And D. Ha, my parents weren't in favor of having anyone but family there at the opening. I fought that ideal cuz I wanted D--the best influence in my college student life--to be there. I backed away and just prayed for my dad to soften his heart. He would mention D--probably testing to see if I would jump out and say I wanted things to be done my way. Because I always do things my way. I think I surprised him by not reacting. He came to and decided that D could come. D and I were overjoyed!
So, yes, D was there at the opening of my mission call and he has been there for me in every trial that I have had over the last 2 years of our friendship. We even celebrated our last chance to have a vacation together before my mission by going to Zion National Park before Christmas. We spend so much time together--playing games, going to church events, doing activities, etc. Yesterday we spent the whole day together. Mostly in Salt Lake City working on a project and then at my parents' house--walking the dog and just chilling. Just us--we had seen my parents just briefly as we were coming as they were going. This week we don't have much planned other than to go get our pictures taken professionally so that we can give them to his family and my family as a "goodbye, I'm going on a mission" type thing. Totally his idea.
Today, D texted me about how we should go to California again when I get back from my mission. We've always discussed that but in my mind I see our friendship (as close as it is now) coming to a screeching halt. I mean, by the time I get back he will have graduated and begun his career--might even be married or whatever life will bring him. Me--I'll be going back to school. We'll be living separate lives.
The following is the text message conversation we just had today:
D: when u get back. From ur mission we r going out to cali again. Me and u
Me: yeah, that'd be tight :)" *totally thinking pessimistically "yeah, like that'll really happen" in my mindset*
D: Ok lets plan for that! No backing out
Me: Ha--what if ur married and whatnot?
D: We will go no matter what! I promise!!
Me: ya? okay
D: So get ready to party!!!
Me: ha--thats so far off away cut *he and I call each other "cut". It's what he and his siblings call each other*
D: No its gonna be here in a jiffy!
Me: u think? seems another world away to me
D: Ive known u for 2+ yrs. How fast has that time gone???
Me: almost 22 months--ya its gone by so quickly!
D: So get ready to party!!!
Me: :) okay
Anyone who knows me knows I hate a broken promise. Or an impossible idea.
Having D for a friend means the world to me and leaving him while I am on mission will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my young adult life--and I've done some hard things especially within the last year.
But it will be worth it. I have faith in that. It will be painful--that much is obvious. But I am willing to do it. For the faith.
Huntington Beach 2012
Sea Kayaking 2012
6 Flags 2012
Zion National Park 2012
Just Chilling With My Dog 2013
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